You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.

-Bob Marley

I need to keep going forward. But…

It’s gonna be hard but it’s not impossible.

He will never leave me, nor will He forsake me.

The chat this morning jolted me back into reality and it led me to think how mature I as a person and in Christ.

We as Man do things within our capacity and ability yet we get worn out, tired and offended; we complain, grumble about our leaders and have frequent relational conflicts with others. In the book of Jeremiah, running horses is the metaphorical expression of challenging ourselves, where we must grow and develop the whole of us as God wants all our capacities to be whole and blameless by building on our physical capacity, mental capacity, emotional capacity, will-volitional capacity and spiritual capacity.

Mental capacity is our thinking and cognitivity, our world of thoughts, ideas, propositions, suggestions, etc.
I have realy big problems applying knowledge and understanding to wisdom. So much that sometimes it makes me like a kid in a 20-year-old body. The filter in my mind doesn’t work as well as some of my friends’; I blabber my thoughts like a birdbrain. I hate this. I hate how I am socially awkward for I don’t know how to start conversation with a stranger. I hate how I couldn’t understand what some of my friends are talking about because I don’t seem to have the ability to move from knowledge to understanding to wisdom. I hate how even though sometimes I have understood, I don’t seem to have wisdom to respond and decide; it’s just not a faculty of me to know how and what to do next. I yearn very much for my mind to think like my more mature friends, to have working filters within my mind.

Apart from that, there’s the will-volitional capacity, which is the culmination of our minds and emotions-making an enlightened decision.

There’s so much to learn and work on. I want to grow spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally and also to build on my will-volitional capacity. I feel so small, so imperfect.  During the conversation these morning, these words hit me hard in the face ‘I feel now is the time where we both need to be away from each other to grow by ourselves, to learn how to be independent.’ But I’m really thankful someone out there actually cared to tell me all these, to remind me that I’m turning 20 this year.

SP Daniel shared with us that there’s a church in Australia that came up with challenges for the people and also mine for 2012:
1. Increase your givings
2. Serve and give yourself to a cause
3. Pray for the nation and world
4. Read the bible in a year
5. Go for a mission trip

I’ve decided to renew my mind; my thought life to be surrended to God, my life to be centered around God, so I’ve deleted my childish posts of the past. I want to grow up and I will put childish ways behind me. (1 Cor 13:11)

May my new year be a really fruitful one

I’ve been feeling really horrible and miserable for the past few days, sometimes secretly weeping in the photocopy room, even told a lie when my colleague saw my teary eyes. I’ve been feeling more than upset – unloved, bitter, resentful, screwed up, basically it feels like my whole life has turned upside-down.

We talked last night. It felt neither bad because we talked again; neither good because it felt like that’s the last time we’ll ever talk. I was hoping the chat will well but yet again I kinda screwed things up. I was expecting him to say more, like how he talked to me the in the past, expressing every single thing that popped up in his head, but what I’ve failed to realise at the very moment before I sent out my text was that we’re no longer anything and I shouldn’t expect anything from him. What’s more, the past has gone. Indeed my expectations has brought me great disapointments. I wanted to apologize for ruining the whole ending of a conversation that could’ve been good the night before but I wouldn’t know what will be running through his mind like before, I wouldn’t want to wait for his reply like a fool anymore.

He’s like the closest stranger I love the most now. I still think about the plans I used to want to have with him and all the little things I want us to do together: the baking session, keep-my-money-for-me plan, movie marathons, the getaway trips and what’s not. Does he know I even think of such things?

There’s a reason why I stopped saying ‘I Love You’ to just another guy I let into my life, after my first. I think love should be everlasting, there’s more to just expressing love to any other person. I’ve never thought of how to explain it but now i can – it’s like a promise to your partner saying that you will never ever fail him/her, that you will never ever give up on him/her and never ever walk out on him/her. Rubez, Oli, Anna and I talked about this during dinner and I told them I’ll only say it to my fiance. I merely wanted to save those precious words for the one who has promised to be there for me for life however burdensome I may be.

I’ve been feeling afraid that I’ll feel really bitter towards him if I ever find out he, my precious one, has found himself someone else. I’m selfish. Forgive me. He’s still of great importance to me and I’m not completely over him. I’ve been trying to imgaine the sight of him holding another girl’s hand in his (just to prepare myself for this ‘what if one day it really happens’) but each time I only end up feeling my heart squashed into pulp. Forgive me, all from Heaven and earth.

Why did he choose to take his leave TWICE at those times when I’m so much in love? I’ve been praying and praying and praying like never before. But why do I still feel all the miseries and heartaches? I was so prepared to challenge the problems that will come our way after the get-together, praying all night before my sleep that God will help us become stronger. Yes, us. But sometimes I get so tired about life I feel like going home with Him. What’s the purpose of life? I often question myself but haven’t found a good enough answer.

I hate crying at night under my blankets before I sleep. I’ll wake up with swollen lids and have to stick them with glue to make them look normal. I hate having to keep all these horrible feelings in me for so so many days ever since Christmas. Now I’m like a loser saying all these in the place of a keyboard warrior but that’s because I didn’t know if anybody understands me.

People fail me even when they claim they love me. Then how great is this love?

He’s still in every single part of me. God help me.

Take refuge in the Lord.

Ps DK shared the story about George Muller when it comes to the shallow soil and it really hit me hard in the face:

One day George Mueller began praying for five of his friends. After many months, one of them came to the Lord. Ten years later, two others were converted. It took 25 years before the fourth man was saved. Mueller persevered in prayer until his death for the fifth friend, and throughout those 52 years he never gave up hoping that he would accept Christ! His faith was rewarded, for soon after Mueller’s funeral the last one was saved.

This talks a lot about hanging on tightly onto God even when the going gets rough.

Up till now I haven’t set any resolutions, goals or vision for 2012. But I did tonight. And I promise I’ll stick to it. God help me with it. Amen

A Woman’s Question by Lena Lathrop

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing

Ever made by the hand above–
A woman’s heart, and a woman’s life
And a woman’s wonderful love?

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy,
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy?

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Man-like you have questioned me;
Now stand at the bar of my woman’s soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart to be true as God’s stars,
And as pure as heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef;
I require a far better thing.
A seamstress you’re wanting for socks and shirts;
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called home,
And a man that the maker, God,
Shall look upon as he did the first
And say, “It is very good.”

I am fair and young, but the rose will fade
From my soft, young cheek one day,
Will you love me then ‘mid the falling leaves,
As you did ‘mid the bloom of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and deep,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give all this, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot do this — a laundress and cook
You can hire, with little to pay,
But a woman’s heart and a woman’s life
Are not to be won that way.

This poem is quite pertinent to however I was feeling when I first read it in Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye this evening in the shop at Raffles. Then I decided to look up the web for it and found it on his website together with his sermon details. Wonderful

This is what I came across a few days back:

“Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be… a prudent insurance policy.”

― Elizabeth Gilbert

Agree? So well-illustrated. Elizabeth Gilbert is awesome

Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. -Heb 11:1