With all of my heart

Forgive me for saying all these.

I’ve been feeling really horrible and miserable for the past few days, sometimes secretly weeping in the photocopy room, even told a lie when my colleague saw my teary eyes. I’ve been feeling more than upset – unloved, bitter, resentful, screwed up, basically it feels like my whole life has turned upside-down.

We talked last night. It felt neither bad because we talked again; neither good because it felt like that’s the last time we’ll ever talk. I was hoping the chat will well but yet again I kinda screwed things up. I was expecting him to say more, like how he talked to me the in the past, expressing every single thing that popped up in his head, but what I’ve failed to realise at the very moment before I sent out my text was that we’re no longer anything and I shouldn’t expect anything from him. What’s more, the past has gone. Indeed my expectations has brought me great disapointments. I wanted to apologize for ruining the whole ending of a conversation that could’ve been good the night before but I wouldn’t know what will be running through his mind like before, I wouldn’t want to wait for his reply like a fool anymore.

He’s like the closest stranger I love the most now. I still think about the plans I used to want to have with him and all the little things I want us to do together: the baking session, keep-my-money-for-me plan, movie marathons, the getaway trips and what’s not. Does he know I even think of such things?

There’s a reason why I stopped saying ‘I Love You’ to just another guy I let into my life, after my first. I think love should be everlasting, there’s more to just expressing love to any other person. I’ve never thought of how to explain it but now i can – it’s like a promise to your partner saying that you will never ever fail him/her, that you will never ever give up on him/her and never ever walk out on him/her. Rubez, Oli, Anna and I talked about this during dinner and I told them I’ll only say it to my fiance. I merely wanted to save those precious words for the one who has promised to be there for me for life however burdensome I may be.

I’ve been feeling afraid that I’ll feel really bitter towards him if I ever find out he, my precious one, has found himself someone else. I’m selfish. Forgive me. He’s still of great importance to me and I’m not completely over him. I’ve been trying to imgaine the sight of him holding another girl’s hand in his (just to prepare myself for this ‘what if one day it really happens’) but each time I only end up feeling my heart squashed into pulp. Forgive me, all from Heaven and earth.

Why did he choose to take his leave TWICE at those times when I’m so much in love? I’ve been praying and praying and praying like never before. But why do I still feel all the miseries and heartaches? I was so prepared to challenge the problems that will come our way after the get-together, praying all night before my sleep that God will help us become stronger. Yes, us. But sometimes I get so tired about life I feel like going home with Him. What’s the purpose of life? I often question myself but haven’t found a good enough answer.

I hate crying at night under my blankets before I sleep. I’ll wake up with swollen lids and have to stick them with glue to make them look normal. I hate having to keep all these horrible feelings in me for so so many days ever since Christmas. Now I’m like a loser saying all these in the place of a keyboard warrior but that’s because I didn’t know if anybody understands me.

People fail me even when they claim they love me. Then how great is this love?

He’s still in every single part of me. God help me.

Take refuge in the Lord.

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